I’m an advocate for embracing and sharing the Hmong culture with our children. Obviously. That's why HmongBaby exists and that's why I so often talk about the beauty of the Hmong culture. I truly believe it is valuable and worth keeping.
That being said, I also believe that not ALL aspects of the Hmong culture are worth preserving. There are things about the Hmong culture that really frustrate me. Hmong culture, just like every culture, is both beautiful and broken.
I want to share with you 3 things that I hate about Hmong culture. And yes. I said HATE.
1. I hate that women are seen as 2nd class citizens.
I remember going to a party for one of my relatives and all the men were sitting at the table conversing and having a heck of a time while the women slaved away in the kitchen. After the women finished cooking, they served the men who sat at the tables while the women stood around and watched! It was only after the men finished that the women could dive into the leftovers. The best portions had already been eaten by the time the women finally sat down to eat.What does this communicate? It communicates that women serve the men. Women aren’t as important as men. This is just one example of many ways that women are treated as second class citizens. I hate it and I won’t stand for it. This is a part of Hmong culture that I am consciously not passing on to my children.
Instead, I’m going to teach my children that women and men are equal in value and worth.
One way I am going to teach this to my children is through cooking. My husband cooks right along with me. We also have days where I cook and days when my husband cooks. Although we only have daughters right now, if ever I have sons, they’ll be cooking and cleaning right along with me, my husband, and my girls. This will teach them that both men and women can cook and clean. It will teach them that these are simply life skills every human should possess.
2. I hate that you’re not considered an adult until you’re married (even if you’re 30, 40, or 50 years old!).
When I was a teenager, I remember talking to Hmong elders and the vibe I always got was, “You don’t know what you’re talking about child.”
Granted, there were things that I didn’t know but I always felt like I wasn’t respected by adults simply because I wasn't married. Once I got married, there was a drastic difference in the way my parents and relatives treated me. It was like night and day. They actually listened to my ideas and respected my suggestions. I hadn’t changed. I was the same person with the same ideas. The only thing that changed was that I was now married.
I’ve spoken with many unmarried Hmong adults who feel like they are disrespected and treated like children simply because they’re not married. Even if they have good jobs, are educated, do a lot of good in the world, live on their own, pay their own bills, and are 35 years old (or even older!), if they’re not married, they’re somehow not “adult enough” and therefore aren’t respected.
Hmong elders may not call them children, but they still aren’t given the respect a 19 year old who is married receives. It’s crazy!
On the other hand, if you’re married, no matter how young or immature you are, you’re considered an adult and suddenly, you’re given all the respect, power, and responsibility of an adult.
The truth is, I’ve seen very responsible and mature single adults as well as very irresponsible and immature married adults. Maturity doesn’t necessarily come with marriage and yet it seems like respect only comes after a person gets married in the Hmong culture. So this is an aspect of Hmong culture that I don’t like and will not continue to uphold.
Instead, I am intentional about treating unmarried adults with the same respect as married adults.
For example, when I’m at meetings, I purposefully ask for suggestions and ideas from single adults as well as others because I want them to know that their voices matter as well.
3. I hate how EVERYTHING is about “saving face.”
I knew a Hmong couple who planned on getting married. They had planned the wedding, mailed out the invites, and were about a month away from the wedding date.
Everything was set and ready except for one thing: the couple came to the realization that they no longer wanted to get married. They both thought, “Maybe I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
This became known to their families so both families came together to have a huge meeting to discuss what would happen with the wedding. During the meeting, many of the elders suggested that the couple should go ahead with their plan of getting married since they had already sent out the invites. The elders said that the families would “lose face” if they cancelled the wedding at this point.
Here’s the kicker: the elders then said, “If the marriage doesn’t work out, then just get divorced.”
WHAAAA?!
I was blown away. The elders would rather have this young couple get married, even though they didn’t want to continue with it, simply because they didn’t want to “lose face.” The health of the couple didn’t matter to the elders. The love or lack of love between the couple didn’t matter to the elders. The future of the couple didn’t matter.
The only thing that mattered was “saving face.”
Everything is about reputation.
It’s about, “will others have good things to say about us?”
And I get it. I understand the concept of community and doing things for the greater good. It’s a good thing, but it’s when this is pushed to the extreme of destroying lives and dishonesty, that frustrates me. This, “saving face” at the expense of others is something I won’t be passing on to my children.
Instead, I want to live authentically and teach my children to do the same.
And in order to live a genuine and authentic life, we must start with answering these questions:
What are my values and convictions? What are the few things that are truly important to me? Am I living according to those values and convictions, even if others don’t agree or like me?
What my husband and I have done is actually sit down to define the values for our family.
We want to be extremely clear so we can raise our children to be people with values and convictions, even if that means that they may not be popular or even if they may lose face at times.
We want to teach them that they can’t and won’t please everyone all the time, and that’s actually a very good thing.
It isn't easy to balance of life in community and living authentically as an individual, but I want to teach my children to not simply live for the applause of others.
Culture is not static.
It’s dynamic, meaning, culture is always changing. The way things are right now are not the way things have always been. Hmong culture for my great great grandparents was not the same as it was for my parents. The culture has changed as it has encountered other cultures and environments. Culture is always changing and that means that the way things are right now, are not the way things have to be going forward.
Although there are many aspects of Hmong culture that I love, there are also elements of it that I hate. Many young folks have rejected the entirety of the Hmong culture because they’ve experienced the negative sides of it. Sadly, they’ve thrown out the baby with the bath water.
Hmong culture, just like every other culture, is both beautiful and broken.
The parts of Hmong culture that are damaging, that don’t promote equality and wholeness, are not things that we have to embrace or pass onto our children. Therefore, I’m making a conscious decision to pass on a Hmong culture to my children that I hope will embrace and hold on to the beautiful elements of the culture and let go of the elements of culture that are broken and diminishing.
Like I've mentioned countless times, there are many beautiful things about the Hmong culture as well and just because there are aspects of it that aren't beautiful doesn't mean that we should simply throw it out. In fact, I've even written a blog sharing 3 specific things that I love about Hmong culture :)
Here goes another Puala yang! I don’t think you understand the Hmong culture!
I do to an extend agree with what you mentioned in all three points you’ve expressed your hate towards the Hmong Culture. Since this is an open forum I’d like to add the following. Hate #1 – I think it circumstances. When my wife and I married she expressed this same idea over and over. Surrounding the idea they they ate the leftovers. However, that was what she was brought up and seen. When we married, my family we don’t do the whole men eat first and women eat second. We all ate at the same time. Men had their table of food and women had their table of food. Everyone helped arrange. Water, food placement, etc… But I can see that we maybe the 1% or the 5% that does this. Fortunately, we have parents whom see change of time and adapt with it to the best of their abilities. I too want change certain aspects of the culture to reflect the new generation. Who we are is very important as it our definition. Hate #2 – I’ve experience the same as single and as married. I’ve seen it two ways. Let me explain – when I single everyone love me as if I was a second son. I was someone whom they’ve love their son’s to be like. However, once I married, there seemed to be a atmospheric of judgmental change that appeared like a huge invisible wall. Was it the wall of importance? Was it a wall that hey I can’t act the same an longer. I received that from now only married couples but also single. All I wanted to be was myself – this care-free, cheerful, down to earth person, that wanted to enjoy life in this new chapter. No to mention, there is also another expectation from your other half being careful not to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. There was an overwhelming cloud that hoovered over you. Let’s call it responsibility – sure we know what responsibility is in definition and what we know as being single but a marriage responsibility is so much more. This is probably why elders treat singles differently. It’s like say you understand the responsibilities we’ve been carrying. It’s just something that single people don’t understand – when you explain it they don’t know it. They have to experience it in order to know it. A better way to explain it to single people is – it’s like love.
You have a definition of it, even and idea of what it may feel like.
However, when you actually experience it and get your heart broken and then pick yourself up and repeat until you’ve come up with your own definition of love. You just want know it. HATE #2 is like that – generation after generation is like the (picking up the pieces and making it better). It’s not going to change over night, it’s not going to change in a day, week, month, or even year. It’s going to gradually change over time, until we as a group comes to define one way that would work best for us (the new generation). HATE #3 – saving face is no different than what every culture has to go through. Saving face happens every day – you just have to stand for what you believe in. I always lived by this and continue to do so – take in the good and remove the bad. You can always concern someone’s opinion, but you don’t have to go with it. If their opinion, is the answer you’ve been seeking then go with it. If not, then leave it and listen to another. Once you’ve listen to enough opinions – formulate your own and stand by it. I mean truly STAND BY IT! By that I mean, your come up with your decision, you’ve consider all possible angles, and you’ve come to terms with the possible consequences, and you know what your out is and you’re STANDING BY IT it all. Here’s my own personal HATEs: At the end of the day the men get the blame and You’ve got to be a Doctor in order for you to be respected or for others to respect your family. First world issues…to be continued. Thanks for let blog and I’m sure I just written a second blog.
Very true. Add wedding and funeral. The ogs selling there daughters like animals. We girls lose our right because the husband bought us already, so we only have 2 choice: be stubborn and get divorce or listen and siab ntev. Wedding are hard because of the ogs past problems or disliking the future daughter in law/son in law because of their family.
For funeral, why have such big meals for a funeral, when you could have done it when they’re still alive. Why waste so much money on a funeral when you could have use that money with a them to go shopping, traveling ect… Funeral turns into a party for some people because of too much drinking. People waste money to setup decorations like a wedding for a funeral and buy flowers and fake money paper to “save face”. I think funeral should be 4-5 hours and not 3 days.
There are too many unnecessary things to do in weddings and funerals!!!
I am very inspired by this, I thought I was the only one who thought this way. You have nailed it perfectly. Although most of us Hmong people have changed our culture in some ways. It will never improve more be sure like the old people always say " same person, same heart". Mg mom always told me that there is this drop of blood in Hmong people that make them very envious of others, just seeing other succeed, they’ll bring them down with gossips. It’s funny how one small rumor can be made into a horror story about another person. This is what I hate about Hmong culture. I remember growing up, whenever all the release meet up together for a feast all the women would just gossip and talk shit about each other. There is a huge amount of bullying in this culture. It is something I wouldn’t want my kids to grow into. That is why there is no way in this world I am ever getting married. I don’t want to bring my kids into this world. Also, you should talk about how many Hmong families prefer their kids to marry Hmong guys/girls, to keep the blood line the same race. This is what I hear all the time and I strongly disagree. I think our parents already had their chance to decide their life and now it is ours. They would always bring up the fact that they gave us life and a home and took care of us, that is why we are living freely and healthy. But, that is a duty that every parents provide for their kids. Sometimes I feel like Hmong families have a lot of kids because they want a child who will be able to take care of them and support them when they are old. Someone they can count on if the other kids SCREW up their lives and they’ve lost hope for. I know all parents will love their kids no matter what. But I think before becoming a parent, they should think of the result beforehand. For example, if they’ll be able to take care of the child, can they afford, are the ready to raise a child, and so on. I think Hmong families would have come to the conclusion that they need lots of kids just in case most of them turn out to be a disappointment. I think if our culture wasn’t so unfair and broken, both parents can raise a child to be the expectations they want and the child can grow up in as good environment. Each and every children goes though different experiences in their life. So the way they are brought up can be different. But, parents would always compare and judge them. I remember growing up be sure I was the oldest I had to carry the burden of my siblings on my shoulders and my parents were always to busy. There wasn’t such thing as vacation over the summer. Sometimes I feel like my parents have set high expectations from me and I have to work my way up to recieve their attention and love. Sometimes all I needed was a hug and small complements as a kid. But whatever I do was not good enough. Now I am over it. Now my mom tells me I have changed and was not the same girl I was back then. I don’t know when I had changed. I had become sour and full of hatred. I can’t remember any good memories of childhood and came to hate my culture as I grew older. Yes I hate my culture and um only a teenager. Just imagining that teenagers are throughout their culture away, and just how this Hmong culture will soon disappear and no one will preserve it anymore. For example, some Hmong kids don’t even speak Hmong anymore. I think we are too good for this culture. We should just leave it and let it decay. I am officially done with the traditions and shit it has going on. I get it that some women may disagree with what we agree with, because that is just the way they are and they honor and respect their husbands. But, I think that it doesn’t need to go that extreme. I want equal rights. I don’t care I love in the U.S. so I can change and do what my heart leads me to. I love my parents but that doesn’t mean I have to live by their rules my whole life and live the life they chose for me be sure they know it is the best. I think I know myself we’ll enough and want to chose my own path. Although, life us a journey and can be dangerous they can expect me to go through life without getting as scratch or scrap. There are always ups and downs and they are things I need to experience to grow as a human. If asking for my freedom means breaking ties with the people I love the most then I might as will have to. I don’t wsntg to stay in a place where I can’t choose and my opinions and feelings can’t be taken into consideration. I hate it how it takes very little for a Hmong guy to be considered a good person and regain his reputation, and it takes so little for a Hmong girl to be coknsidered as slut and lose her reputation for eternity. I think the rights of women don’t matter because guys are always considered right and women are always under the guys manipulation. Anyways, just want you all to know how much this culture needs improvement.
i think that it is just different depending on the family. my realitives both do the cooking. they eat at the same time. the mens set their tables as well as the ladies. but i do agree with the reputation part. i find it hard to accept also. i believe that reputations are alwats overlook by feelings.
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