I’m an advocate for embracing and sharing the Hmong culture with our children. Obviously. That's why HmongBaby exists and that's why I so often talk about the beauty of the Hmong culture. I truly believe it is valuable and worth keeping.
That being said, I also believe that not ALL aspects of the Hmong culture are worth preserving. There are things about the Hmong culture that really frustrate me. Hmong culture, just like every culture, is both beautiful and broken.
I want to share with you 3 things that I hate about Hmong culture. And yes. I said HATE.
1. I hate that women are seen as 2nd class citizens.
I remember going to a party for one of my relatives and all the men were sitting at the table conversing and having a heck of a time while the women slaved away in the kitchen. After the women finished cooking, they served the men who sat at the tables while the women stood around and watched! It was only after the men finished that the women could dive into the leftovers. The best portions had already been eaten by the time the women finally sat down to eat.What does this communicate? It communicates that women serve the men. Women aren’t as important as men. This is just one example of many ways that women are treated as second class citizens. I hate it and I won’t stand for it. This is a part of Hmong culture that I am consciously not passing on to my children.
Instead, I’m going to teach my children that women and men are equal in value and worth.
One way I am going to teach this to my children is through cooking. My husband cooks right along with me. We also have days where I cook and days when my husband cooks. Although we only have daughters right now, if ever I have sons, they’ll be cooking and cleaning right along with me, my husband, and my girls. This will teach them that both men and women can cook and clean. It will teach them that these are simply life skills every human should possess.
2. I hate that you’re not considered an adult until you’re married (even if you’re 30, 40, or 50 years old!).
When I was a teenager, I remember talking to Hmong elders and the vibe I always got was, “You don’t know what you’re talking about child.”
Granted, there were things that I didn’t know but I always felt like I wasn’t respected by adults simply because I wasn't married. Once I got married, there was a drastic difference in the way my parents and relatives treated me. It was like night and day. They actually listened to my ideas and respected my suggestions. I hadn’t changed. I was the same person with the same ideas. The only thing that changed was that I was now married.
I’ve spoken with many unmarried Hmong adults who feel like they are disrespected and treated like children simply because they’re not married. Even if they have good jobs, are educated, do a lot of good in the world, live on their own, pay their own bills, and are 35 years old (or even older!), if they’re not married, they’re somehow not “adult enough” and therefore aren’t respected.
Hmong elders may not call them children, but they still aren’t given the respect a 19 year old who is married receives. It’s crazy!
On the other hand, if you’re married, no matter how young or immature you are, you’re considered an adult and suddenly, you’re given all the respect, power, and responsibility of an adult.
The truth is, I’ve seen very responsible and mature single adults as well as very irresponsible and immature married adults. Maturity doesn’t necessarily come with marriage and yet it seems like respect only comes after a person gets married in the Hmong culture. So this is an aspect of Hmong culture that I don’t like and will not continue to uphold.
Instead, I am intentional about treating unmarried adults with the same respect as married adults.
For example, when I’m at meetings, I purposefully ask for suggestions and ideas from single adults as well as others because I want them to know that their voices matter as well.
3. I hate how EVERYTHING is about “saving face.”
I knew a Hmong couple who planned on getting married. They had planned the wedding, mailed out the invites, and were about a month away from the wedding date.
Everything was set and ready except for one thing: the couple came to the realization that they no longer wanted to get married. They both thought, “Maybe I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
This became known to their families so both families came together to have a huge meeting to discuss what would happen with the wedding. During the meeting, many of the elders suggested that the couple should go ahead with their plan of getting married since they had already sent out the invites. The elders said that the families would “lose face” if they cancelled the wedding at this point.
Here’s the kicker: the elders then said, “If the marriage doesn’t work out, then just get divorced.”
WHAAAA?!
I was blown away. The elders would rather have this young couple get married, even though they didn’t want to continue with it, simply because they didn’t want to “lose face.” The health of the couple didn’t matter to the elders. The love or lack of love between the couple didn’t matter to the elders. The future of the couple didn’t matter.
The only thing that mattered was “saving face.”
Everything is about reputation.
It’s about, “will others have good things to say about us?”
And I get it. I understand the concept of community and doing things for the greater good. It’s a good thing, but it’s when this is pushed to the extreme of destroying lives and dishonesty, that frustrates me. This, “saving face” at the expense of others is something I won’t be passing on to my children.
Instead, I want to live authentically and teach my children to do the same.
And in order to live a genuine and authentic life, we must start with answering these questions:
What are my values and convictions? What are the few things that are truly important to me? Am I living according to those values and convictions, even if others don’t agree or like me?
What my husband and I have done is actually sit down to define the values for our family.
We want to be extremely clear so we can raise our children to be people with values and convictions, even if that means that they may not be popular or even if they may lose face at times.
We want to teach them that they can’t and won’t please everyone all the time, and that’s actually a very good thing.
It isn't easy to balance of life in community and living authentically as an individual, but I want to teach my children to not simply live for the applause of others.
Culture is not static.
It’s dynamic, meaning, culture is always changing. The way things are right now are not the way things have always been. Hmong culture for my great great grandparents was not the same as it was for my parents. The culture has changed as it has encountered other cultures and environments. Culture is always changing and that means that the way things are right now, are not the way things have to be going forward.
Although there are many aspects of Hmong culture that I love, there are also elements of it that I hate. Many young folks have rejected the entirety of the Hmong culture because they’ve experienced the negative sides of it. Sadly, they’ve thrown out the baby with the bath water.
Hmong culture, just like every other culture, is both beautiful and broken.
The parts of Hmong culture that are damaging, that don’t promote equality and wholeness, are not things that we have to embrace or pass onto our children. Therefore, I’m making a conscious decision to pass on a Hmong culture to my children that I hope will embrace and hold on to the beautiful elements of the culture and let go of the elements of culture that are broken and diminishing.
Like I've mentioned countless times, there are many beautiful things about the Hmong culture as well and just because there are aspects of it that aren't beautiful doesn't mean that we should simply throw it out. In fact, I've even written a blog sharing 3 specific things that I love about Hmong culture :)
One thing i hate about the US the hmong people is the drinking. Parties, Hu plig, even baby showers it all about drinking. Like jesus. In the next 10 years Hmong people are gonna lead any other race in liver cancer. Deny the drink if you dont want too. Dont force people to drink if they dont want it!
What you are pointing out are generational challenges that all cultures faces? Its not exclusive to Hmong. 1st, 2nd generation German, Polish, Japanese, Chinese..etc all faced the same dilemmas. The elders grew up in a different world with their own social norms and stigmas. As our culture progesses in America, we too will have cut away from past traditions that no longer adhere to our modern values.
Your #2 has always been something that bugged me. I have brought it up to my parents as well. They always say it’s not true but I am no fool. There is a ladder of sort in the Hmong world and until you are married, you really are not a person of value. It doesn’t matter if you have a degree or whether you have loads of money. People won’t take you seriously because you’re not married. It’s worse when you’re a female.
I’ll talk about your #1 now. It depends on whether the group and family you surround yourself has modernized. I find that a lot of traditional Hmong folks that live in highly populated Hmong areas still serve the men first. Most of the men just lean back and chat. I am glad to say that 75% of the time I go out to Hmong events or gatherings, a lot of people set up buffet style. Family of honor or whoever is being honored at the event goes first, etc… Unfortunately, the cooking still mostly falls to the ladies. Some men do help out so I won’t say I never see men chopping or cooking. Again, this is probably because I don’t live in MN or Cali. Most guys help out when it comes to major events and parties. You’ve made some very good points and I have enjoyed reading this. Probably because I can relate and it does hit home.
I agree with your point of view of some things that Hmong people need to make changes on. However, when I read the comments made. I didn’t understand the person who said your example of “saving face” was just sad not the “true” meaning of “saving face.” I believe that your example was your experience even if that person didn’t believe it. If I wanted to look at their story at my point of view. I would say that they where doing the same thing. Their family was never ashamed or afraid of doing wrong until they had a person who can report them. If we wanted to rephrase everything it would be to have better morals or values.
My 3 things that I want to change about the Hmong culture (and I did come to hate).
1. We are in a country that provides SSI. We shoul no longer hold our kids down to care for them. This is where couples have many marriage problems. Yes, there are people who can handle living with their in laws but that doesn’t mean those who want their own place or privacy doesn’t love their spouses family.
2. When it comes to important things like weddings. Women should not be looked down on to rely on elders only in order for it to have a smooth process. If women are educated in that field to lead their own daughter’s or son’s wedding, they should be able to. I see this in my mother in law that because she is a widow now. She is one of the older generations that have learned to rely on men only that without her husband no one calls her anymore.
3. (The good) Even though the last generation isn’t leading a lot of ways the correct way. I do agree with them that we shouldn’t allow our language or culture to be lost. Just because our jobs require us to speak English. Doesn’t mean we should stop teaching it to our children. I’m not saying parents now in days aren’t doing their best but that we should continue to speak it.
Thanks sister for writing this. I’m 100% agreed for what you mentioned here. This is how exactly I’ve been feeling and feel track in our culture for being a Hmong woman. Nowadays, there elders still look down among us the women no matter how hard work we work to serve our families and relatives we still not good enough. I was raised in a family where this was no education support and no other supports from my family. The supports are always for the boys in the house. During my time and the generation I was growing up, if I reached the age of 18, I would be considered being old, therefore no more men will marry me. This was practice by my parent and rooting in the Hmong culture. I’m so sick of this thinking in our culture. It doesn’t matter to the boys if they decide to stay later age and get married but us, the girls were forced by pure pressure to get married in a young age,especially during teenage time. I was one of them after I graduated from high school. I was pressured to get married and then ended up getting divorced later because things didn’t seem the way I expected and I was miserable and unhappy, married someone I didn’t feel in love with. I was weak and decided to get married at that time just so it will save my parent’s face and will make them happy. I remember when I graduated from high school, there was about 85% of Hmong girls in my class were married or either have kids. It’s sad to see this in our culture about Hmong girls. In the Hmong younger generation now, I encourage we should change and have different mindset, be better than our own parents how they raised us. I agree that there are other elements in our culture that I still want to keep and teach my children. But teaching the values and the core culture of being unfair to women is something I WILL NOT practice.
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